Where love is overshadowed....will miss u anusha....

If I had written this post a week ago... it would have been written with lot of angst.... and sadness. with a heaviness in the heart.... after a week I am calmer... composed and in a position to write with a sense of sadness... with emptiness in my heart.... and as I write... it I no longer curse the God... but yeah I feel helpless... I feel numbed with the society...

This post is long due... really long due... and I dedicate this post to all those friends I have lost over time... by losing I mean, the ultimate loss. Where there is no turning back. Where sorries won't bring them back. Where nothing would bring them up. I lost them to death. The most recent one being-
Anusha Cherukuri - a childhood friend... a playmate... classmate...

I met Anusha at my place of birth Guntur where I had studied for an year... in my seventh standard.... her smile... that was the first thing that struck me... if I look back now.. that’s the only thing that I seem to remember of her… Her bright smile... which always went up to her dark black expressive eyes... and of the 40 odd students in the class from varying background… she was perhaps from those few who wasn’t ashamed of her family background....and unknowingly taught me something essential in my life: Dignity of labour. Her father was a bus conductor....a job that I would not have thought much about if it wasn't for Anusha. She would talk endlessly about her dad's long hours spent in district buses... and her mom’s endless patience… she wanted to work hard... be a doctor... and help her parents... We would sit in the ground and talk endlessly... she would insist I speak in English with her because she wanted to pick up English and she would in turn help me with my math and Telugu... that January holidays I had to be operated upon for Appendicitis... and missed close to 10 days of school... by the time I was back she had the notes ready for me… written down... not even xeroxed... she had made a copy of notes in each and every subject for me and then she helped me learn all the chapters I missed in Maths... as I write these lines... memories are flooding my eyes... memories of pure love... pure friendship... a purity that is so hard to find now.... and I feel knives pierce my heart...as I realise that she is no longer there... Anusha was a hard worker and would help those who were weak in subjects... she was what I call a doer… always there to help... never asking for help for herself...

After I left Guntur... she was one of the very few people from my class I had managed to keep in touch with... her dreams of becoming a doctor remained unfulfilled… as she was soon married to her cousin in her degree first year... I remember her telling me, that she wanted to study but she doesn’t want to go against her dad who had worked so hard... what she didn’t tell me was that her dad had in the past few years turned into an alcoholic and had no savings at all... then I slowly got caught up in my own life... and I lost touch... lost numbers and lost contact... then three weeks we were back in touch... and my darling Anusha had grown up... and she asked for help… reached out for help... and before I could help... she was gone... she had taken her own life... and no she didn’t do this coz she didn’t want to fight it out… but coz she was pushed into a corner... She had been diagnosed of being HIV+... she was five months into her pregnancy… soon after as she revealed the same to her husband ..she was accused of 'sleeping around' ...and when she asked him to get the teest done as she was sure he was the carrier....her husband and in-laws kicked her out....and she was back in her motherz home...but that too wasn't of much help...and that's when I got her call... my initial euphoria of speaking to her after years soon turned into anger and sadness when I heard her speak... we spoke for a good hour... when she spoke of her dreams... plans with the child... and her will to fight... she wanted to live... and she had so many plans... She was going to name her child Saraswati if it was a girl and Vidyasagar if it was a boy... she wanted to educate her child… and she was ready to fight the disease...knowing fully well it would kill her in a few years time… but for those few years she wanted to live... and I had got her help... rather my brother had found help... but before the help reached... she did what she had always spoken against – ‘suicide’.... coz she was suspected... coz the society even today thinks that a HIV+ has no right to live... am not trying to generalise… but I know and this is just a case in proof that HIV+ are treated as shit and its triple oppression for women affected with it... even though the husbands might be responsible......where there is absolutely no support for those affected with the disease from their families... where misnomers and myths continue to exist about the disease...and what’s heartbreaking is it that women like Anusha are blamed for no fault of theirs... their character assassinated... their dignity ripped apart... and in the end many are forced to take their life... and believe me this is not a 'village' or 'small town' phenomenon... those living in Urban India are faced with similar problems... where a simple HIV/AIDS test is looked at with suspicion... where in the name of traditions and culture, the simple test is not being made mandatory pre-marriage...!

Untouchability still exists in India - In different forms - Talking about sex is still a taboo... talking about child sexual abuse… domestic violence… about marital rape... those with HIV/AIDS are treated as untouchables....and the untouchability is doubled in the name of reputation, pride, prestige...where love for your daughter is replaced by the family's pride… where support and care is replaced by ego and false prestige... where desperation is forced upon people... where death is shown as the only way out...

Anusha and her child were murdered...by her own family...by her own friends… by her own life partner who chose to let her suffer in silence... who cut her out from seeking help...she was murdered by the society which still questions the woman's character and not the man's....and am left with a vacuum... And I know this is not the first case of its kind... and also won't be the last...

RIP ANUSHA…!